Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
