Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
