i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
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