sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
