There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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