well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize