Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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