Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
