she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
