I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
