GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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