just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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