i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
