I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Randomize
