just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
