i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just want to make out with him forever
My vagina is officially offended.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
