I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
my liver is dry heaving
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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