I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
...so i touched it.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
