did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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