I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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