He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
