from now on my penis is your penis
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
There r osticjed everywhere
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
