i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He felt like a one man threesome
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
