I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
