I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
