There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
