What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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