I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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