i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
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i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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