drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Drunk is a universal language darling
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