I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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