I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
