Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
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