chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
