if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
