So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
