Your dad touched me again.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
