Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
i black out too much to be "responsible"
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
