I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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