i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
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