I faked an abortion last night.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
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