peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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