I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
