u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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