my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He? As in you personified your dick?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
