Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
My bed smells like the plague
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
