Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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