How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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