I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
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There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
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Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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