I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Randomize
