i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
