Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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