Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
