y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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