just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
