Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
