that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
