I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
She made me pour olive oil on her.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Success! We fucked roommates!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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