just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
