Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
